“When you gotta go, you gotta go.”
Eventually at the end of my time at delilah’s is where some of my greatest stories come from. Mainly because I hated that place so much that I stopped caring entirely what people thought of me. Many times because we even as dancers were not allowed to have alcohol we would sneak out between stage sets to go drink. How this was possible was because each girl was assigned a specific 15 minute slot of the hour. So basically if you just got done with a stage set you go in the back and have 45 minutes to waste if you wanted before you had to go back on stage. Now there were two dressing rooms. One down stairs where we could smoke and the upstairs girls bathroom. That bathroom had an emergency exit door that the fire alarm was not hooked up to. So basically a couple of girls and I would leave our entire strip gear on Stilettos and all put whatever we wore into work on over that and storm out the back. Now this door lead to the very back of the club that was full of overgrown weeds, grass, and about a million different pieces of garbage like a dump site. So we would trample through it in our giant 7” heels trying not to trip and just like out of mission impossible sneak around the block to either the liquor store or to the bar about 4 blocks away.
My greatest accomplice was a girl named infinity. She was fucking great. The loudest rudest, won’t take shut off anyone kind of girl. Short, Greek, giant fake tits, and a myriad of tattoos. My favorite was her “pornado” script tattoo. Now cyburt’s liquor store was about a block away from the club. They knew us well and had amazing $1.00 shooters of vodka that were great to hide through out the night. We would go there if we only had a short time frame. Poor mans pub was again about 4 blocks away and knew us very well also. That was a stretch though. We would typically speed walk there order a pitcher of shots. Get as many as we could down till the manager started texting us asking where the hell we had run off too the. We would legitimately RUN the four blocks back to the club drunk as shit. Now this club was fucked. Across the street, literally, ACROSS the street was a fucking church. Which was why we were closed on Sunday’s. So this great church parking lot was our short cut method instead of using the side walk. Basically we were the biggest shit storm that you could have ever seen running down a street. Stilettos in hand drunk than shit falling all over the place.
These nights were the best from what I could remember. We would do anything we felt like. I on one particular occasion had eaten some bad food a couple days before and had been having massive diarrhea for days. Still working though! Just running back to the bathroom when needed. Drinking in a condition was either the best or worst idea I had ever had.
After my stage set back drunk I could feel a rumbling in my stomach. Now these stage sets were great because I did not act serious what so ever. Would crawl on the stage like an 80’s music video humped the air and sang along to the music like an idiot. Guys loved this. My stomach did not. After my set was over I was bombarded for dances which I could not refuse because I had spent all my money that i had already made that night at the bar. But knowing that I was going to need to go shit my pants soon I was hoping I could try to make it last as long as I could before I had a faucet go off from my G-string. Being as inebriated as I was, I was then more annoyed by customers than usual.
The first lap dance I was immediately annoyed from the look of the guy. He just looked like a creep. There were poles along the walls of the lap dance room for us girls to hold onto while we gave dances. This pole became my greatest ally that night. In my drunken stupor I decided that I would kick my heels off jump up on the seat and turn around while holding onto the pole so my ass was perfectly in this guys face. #1 he would stop pulling my ass cheeks apart. So I figured if he was an ass guy I’ll give him ass. The words coming out of this guys face was amazing because he had no idea what was coming.
Ass guy: oh yea, give me that ass!
Me: yea you like that? You want this asshole don’t you?
Ass guy: oh yea I do!
Me: okay I’ll give it to you. Open your mouth wide baby!
At that moment I felt the biggest fart coming on even god would see it shake the earth. Then….. I let it rip about 1/2 and inch from this guys nose/mouth region. I couldn’t tell because it was hard to see exactly where. I then proceeded to laugh so loud I almost fell off the bench. Then looked up at the guy and his face lauding even harder. Then about to shit myself I got up as best as I could to run to the bathroom all at the same one I realize that infinity was giving a dance not far from me on the floor laughing hysterically. As I ran past her not even getting my money from the customer I said “when you gotta go, you gotta go!”